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By Peterson Toscano
Friday, June 22, 2007
Unlike many queer folks who fled to New York City for relief from anti-gay religious oppression, I actually sought out gay reparative therapy and ex-gay ministry when I moved to the Big Apple. I lived the city for 10 years as an ex-gay, a very gay person living the straight life.
Growing up in the straight world that was Sullivan County Catskills (which today is gayer than Greenwich Village), I moved to New York City after a stint at a small suburban Christian college, which found me far too gay for its campus. From the ages of 19 to 29, I was desperate to resolve the struggles between my same-sex attractions and my faith.
I joined a small church in the Upper West Side where they lifted hands, spoke in tongues, and counseled me to replace my evil desires with the Word of God. I endured two exorcisms, attended seminars, let preachers lay hands on me, and dove head first into a weekly ex-gay support group. I fought temptation every day (not always successfully), and felt healed enough to marry my best friend, a sister from the church.
After my repeated relapses into “the gay lifestyle,” my wife and I became missionaries in Zambia, where after only six months, I was outed in Africa (long story that requires several bottles of wine). With my marriage in shambles, my job lost and my church friendships ended, I landed in Memphis, Tenn., at an ex-gay residential program where for two years at $950 per month they attempted to straighten me out.
Hair can be straightened, but gays? Not so much.
I slowly came out the closet in late 1998. Since that time, I have returned to New York City often; twice I presented my one-person comedy “Doin’ Time in the Homo No Mo Halfway House—How I Survived the Ex-Gay Movement.”
Everywhere I perform the show (from Saskatoon to Cameroon) I meet ex-gay survivors, people who tried to suppress and change their sexuality. Some relied on church, counselors or ex-gay programs. Others used gender normative makeovers and heterosexual marriage. Not only did our efforts prove unsuccessful, but we also harmed ourselves emotionally and psychologically.
In an effort to connect with people who have gone through these experiences, Christine Bakke, a lesbian ex-gay survivor, and I launched BeyondExGay.com (bXg), an on-line resources for ex-gay survivors. At bXg, we post survivor narratives, artwork, poetry, articles and other resources to help people who have been negatively affected by ex-gay experiences.
Together with Soulforce, a group that works to free LGBT people from religious and political persecution, we are organizing the first Ex-Gay Survivor Conference June 29-July 1 in Irvine, Calif., (the same time and city as this year’s Exodus Ex-Gay Conference). People from as far away as New York and London will attend to share their ex-gay experiences and the steps they took to recover.
The conference will also include interactive workshops, theater, a film forum, an art gallery and a special panel of lawyers who will look at the legal options for people harmed by ex-gay programs.
As a 19-year-old in New York City trying anything and everything to fix my gayness, I believed in miracles.
I still believe in miracles and in change, although I shifted my focus. I believe our world can become a place that accepts, affirms and celebrates all citizens, queer and straight. It takes work though, not magic. Part of the work includes sharing stories about the craziness we faced in a world that wanted us to be “normal.” This craziness didn’t only happen in rural communities back in the ’80s. It happens today—even in New York City.
Peterson Toscano is a theatrical performance artist who can be reached at petersontoscano.com. For information about the conference, visit beyondexgay.com/conference.
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