Preliminary figures showed that just 229 same-sex couples applied for civil union licenses in New Jersey’s first month offering them, numbers that seemed anemic compared to the 1,700 Garden State couples who rushed to register as domestic partners within the first month that became an option in 2004.
One would think couples might flock to the upgrade, since the domestic partner law offers couples only about 10 of the 1,100-some rights afforded to married couples. Activists attributed the lack of interest to the fact that civil unions still weren’t “marriage,” the de facto currency by which we value love and commitment in our society.

Let’s face it, “Hey Mom, buy us a present, we got civil unioned,” just doesn’t have the same ring—nor does it carry the same meaning to the ER nurse standing as a gatekeeper between you and your loved one in the hospital at 3 a.m. in the morning.

But even as faithfuls continue a nothing-less-than-marriage rally cry from NJ, gay activists elsewhere are experimenting with alternatives. In Washington, where the courts ruled against same-sex marriage last year, legislators have introduced a domestic partner bill. And in Rhode Island, where a marriage bill has been introduced every year since 1997, advocates have filed a marriage bill this year alongside six other pieces of legislation geared toward gaining incremental rights for same-sex couples.

The American public does not resist, it seems, affording rights to same-sex couples, it’s more about using the word “marriage” to label those rights. Americans do have a sense of justice, after all, and are capable of movement even on contentious issues. In 1987-88, Pew Research found that 52 percent of Americans agreed that school boards ought to have the right to fire teachers known to be homosexuals, while only 42 percent rejected the notion. By 2002-2003, a solid majority (60 percent) said teachers should not be fired just because they are gay.  

But we are still a nation of Puritans when it comes to seeing marriage as a religious institution rather than a medium for the dispensation of rights. More than half of Americans (56 percent) oppose same-sex marriage, but almost as many (54 percent) support civil unions, according to a Pew poll last July. A CBS/New York Times poll last October similarly found that 57 percent of Americans supported either civil unions or marriage—meaning that a majority of Americans, while opposing marriage, do see value in providing legal protections to same-sex couples.

The staunchest supporters of LGBT rights are Gen Nexters, those people younger than 25 years of age by Pew’s definition. Nearly 60 percent of them say that homosexuality is a way of life that should be accepted, versus 50 percent of those people older than 25 (Gen Xers, Baby Boomers and seniors). But even Nexters aren’t wild about same-sex marriage. Though the issue fails to motivate them as a voting base, Pew found that only 47 percent of Nexters favored gay marriage in 2004 (admittedly, a bad polling year for marriage given the GOP attack campaign) while only 30 percent of those older than 25 supported marriage.

If you think about gay rights in terms of generations, it will probably take a shift in powers from Baby Boomers to Gen Xers and Nexters before a serious national shift in thinking is made on the marriage front.

Yes, a few more states will likely manage to gain marriage rights in the next five years—New York, New Jersey, and California among them. But the grim truth is, all but five states—Massachusetts, New York, New Jersey, New Mexico, and Rhode Island—have amended their constitutions or passed laws banning gay marriage.

Incremental change, though reviled by some gay activists, is a more realistic short-term goal for the entirety of the nation, especially in the South and the Midwest. We should still pursue marriage in a handful states, but a serious push to extricate the rights and privileges now wrapped exclusively in the religious bonds of marriage would probably provide the greatest opportunity to stabilize same-sex partnerships nationwide.