Gay voters should blame themselves for Prop 8, not black Californians.
In part, Prop 8 failed because of inept LGBT leadership.
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Monday, October 30, 2006
CHRISTIAN FUNDAMENTALISTS HAVE re-designed the traditional haunted house with a faith-based house of horrors, filled with drunk drivers, girls who have abortions, homosexuals and ravers, complete with gruesome displays of the fundamentalist Christian version of hell that awaits these sinners.
But what would a gay hell for homophobes be like? Here is my version of the afterlife for gay-bashers, “ex-gays,” closeted politicians and other monsters.
Gay bashers: The punishment should fit the crime. Gay bashers are bullies; they seek to feel good about themselves by inflicting pain on others. At its root, the driving factor is sado masochism. To punish the gay basher with physical pain is counterproductive because he or she would, on some level, enjoy it.
The best thing to do would be to render gay bashers helpless in the hands of those they despise. Put them on an infernal version of “Queer Eye for the Straight Guy.” The fiendish “Fab Five” would consist of our most caustic wits (I would suggest Sandra Bernhard, RuPaul, Mark Simpson, Margaret Cho and Buck Angel) who would tear gay bashers apart with snide remarks and force them to undergo makeovers that would transform them into flaming metrosexuals.
Ex-gay ministers: The punishment would depend on the sexual orientation of the minister. If they are homosexuals who are now supposedly straight, they are already suffering in a living hell. I would condemn them to a continuation of their current life.
For Christian media whores who drive God-fearing homosexuals into ex-gay reparative therapy (I’m thinking Jerry Falwell, Ann Coulter and the late Reggie White), their hell would consist of being irresistibly attracted to Pope Benedict XVI, who would prance before them in a sexy hot-pink thong (body hair untrimmed) and red Prada shoes.
Benedict’s punishment: he could only be serviced by Ann Coulter.
They must all remain in this state until they can successfully stage an award-winning production of “Rocky Horror Picture Show” with Falwell as Columbia.
Closeted politicians: I told myself that I wouldn’t write about Mark Foley — too easy a target. Besides, it’s not as if he’s the only one. But I can’t pass this up.
Foley is a shape-shifter, changing at will from young boys’ protector to their predator. After he was exposed, he shape-shifted again into an alcoholic gay victim of sexual molestation by a priest.
His penalty would be one last transformation into “Paige,” a female domesticated wolf (this time, without sheep’s clothing). Paige would be condemned to ride with dedicated fans as their pet while they follow the Indigo Girls around on a whirlwind concert tour.
Foley/Paige would be fed a chicken-free diet, forced to fetch things incessantly and taught to howl along to “Closer to Fine” until (s)he learned to love it.
Gay hell, of course, would not be restricted to homophobes. Here are a couple more categories:
Body fascists: Those over-muscled gay boys who throw attitude in gay bars and circuit parties deserve to be in gay hell. They should be placed with the Christian media whores, but in isolated vats of GHB up to their chins, and forced to fantasize sexually about the Holy Father until they get over themselves.
Back-stabbing queens, pushy lesbians, and straight girls who fling their hair on the dance floor: They must all go to fundamentalist Christian heaven until they repent.
Speaking of fundamentalist heaven, Christian haunted houses end with a glowing vision of the afterlife with Jesus. This positive last note is nice but rather bland. Their paradise usually leaves out a lot of people. I have purposely designed a hell that, in the long run, would teach wrongdoers to mend their ways so they can eventually join the rest of us under the celestial disco ball in heaven.
Unlike fundamentalist Christian homophobes (note: not all fundamentalists are homophobes), I believe the power of love can overcome anything, even those who consider themselves our enemies.
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